The Misadventures of the Elite Assault Squad
by VorticalFiveStudios
Summary: One of the most elite Spartan squads in the universe, the Elite Assault Squad (EAS), has gone on many dangerous missions and faced many life threatening problems. However, Vortex, one of the team members, and the rest of his family have a more comical life then the others when not on a mission. Warning! Contains adult language.
1. Chapter 1

**The Misadventures of the Elite Assault Squad Chapter 1**

_The following is a non-profit fan fiction. Halo is owned by 343 Industries._

_Character Nick-names  
•Joe- Vortex  
•Chris- Crisis  
•Nick- Disaster  
•Tyler- Twister  
•Junior- Spiral  
•Alexander- Void_

It was a normal day at the base. The Spartans known as Chris and Nick were having an arm wrestling competition. They would be training, but due to another one of Spiral's tantrums, the training course was broken. However, in the middle of the competition, the spartan known as Joe walked in. "Hey guys!" he said. Nobody responded. They were too focused on their arm wrestling competition. "Whats up?" There still was no answer. This made Joe angry. Their competition was interrupted when the two spartans jumped back after a grenade soared past their heads. When it went off, the room was filled with a blinding light.  
When the light died down, Chris and Nick looked at Joe with an angry look in their eyes. "What the hell Vortex!?" Chris asked.  
"Whats wrong?"  
"What do you mean whats wrong!?" yelled Nick. "You chucked a nade at us!"  
"It was a flash grenade. Lets not focus on that right now. Wheres everyone else?"  
"Well, Tyler is trying to fix the training course that Spiral broke..."  
"Theres no proof my son did that."  
"And the rest is on another mission."  
"Too bad. I bet they would like to meet the new temporary member of our team."  
"What do you mean new temporary member?" Chris asked.  
Joe grinned. "You can come in now bro!" A man stepped through the door. He looked almost exactly like Joe. "This is Void."  
"Oh my god... our worst nightmare has finally come true... theres two of him!"  
"What?" asked Void.  
"When you said you were working on a cloning machine, I thought you were kidding." said Nick.  
"He's not a clone." explained Joe. "He's my little brother."  
"...Thats almost just as bad."  
"Umm... So Void, you want to explain to these guys why your here?"  
"Ok," Void replied. "I'm going to be staying here for at least a week because the rest of the members on my squad were killed."  
"You don't sound like your sorry for them."  
"Why would I be? Those guys were pricks. Anyway, until the commander finds me a new squad to be in, I'm gonna be a temporary member of your team."  
"This... isn't gonna end well is it?" asked Chris.  
"Probably not."  
Tyler walked in through the door and said, "Guys! I finally fixed the training..." He stopped the second he saw Void standing next to Joe. "...Ok, I think I need to go lie down for a few minutes because I am clearly seeing double." Tyler then walked out of the room.  
"Umm... Hey bro," Void said. "Wheres my favorite nephew and sister in-law?"  
"Well, my wife is an ODST, so she's on another mission. As for Spiral, I have no idea where he..." Joe was interrupted when a giant explosion went off on the training course.  
"Well, I think you just found out..."  
"Goddamn it Junior!"


	2. Chapter 2

**The Misadventures of the Elite Assault Squad Chapter 2**

_The following is a non-profit fan fiction. Halo is owned by 343 Industries._

Vortex, spartan of the Elite Assault Squad, calmly walked home after a successful solo mission. He left his younger brother, Void, at his house to watch Spiral, his son. Spiral wanted a puppy for a really long time, so Vortex asked Void to take him to the pet store. However, when it came to Void, even the simplest of tasks could be screwed up. The spartan walked into his house, and when he saw the dog that his son had got, he said "What...the...FUCK!?"  
What he saw was his son watching TV. Sitting to the right of him was Void. And to the left of him, was a grunt. All three of them turned to look at Vortex. The grunt said to him, "Hello human, whats up?"  
"Hey what did I tell you," asked Spiral. "No barking! Hi daddy! How was work?"  
"Yeah bro," said Void. "What happened on your newest mission?"  
"...You know what, I can't fucking remember right now. The only thing that comes to mind is WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A GRUNT IN MY HOUSE!?"  
"Grunt? You mean Ace?"  
"You...named it?"  
"Hell yeah we did!" said Spiral.  
Vortex sighed. "Void, what was the one thing I asked you to do before I left?"  
"Get Spiral a dog?"  
"Yes! How did you end up getting a grunt!?"  
"Hmm... I think it went something like this..."

_FLASHBACK_

Spiral and Void walked into the pet store. A man reading the newspaper looked at them and got up. He smiled. "Hello sir. How may I help you?"  
"I want a puppy!" said Spiral.  
"Well, I've got just the thing for ya! Let me go get him!" the man left and went into another room.

_TWO MINUTES LATER_

The man returned with a grunt by his side. "Here you go sir! One perfectly normal... dog."  
"Thats... Not a dog." said Void.  
"Sure it is! Cmon boy, bark for him!"  
The grunt said, "Please help! I'm being held here against my..." he stopped talking when he noticed the man had a rifle pointed at his head. He sighed. "Woof."  
"...I want that dog!" said Spiral.  
"How much do you want for it?"  
"Fifty dollars."  
"Uh... It's like, the year 2500. Nobody uses dollars anymore. Everyone uses credits."  
"Do I look like I give a shit?"  
"No..." He gave the man the now considered antique money.  
The grunt walked over to his new owners. "Have a nice day!" They heard the man shout from the store.  
"What a fucking asshole," mumbled the grunt.

_END OF FLASHBACK_

"You... bought a grunt... at a pet store... thinking it was a dog."  
"Yup!"  
"Get rid of it right now."  
"Oh come on dad!"  
"Get him out now."  
"Please?"  
"No."  
"Please, please, please, please..." He kept asking over and over again. Soon both Void and Ace were asking too.  
"Oh for the love of god... Fine he can stay."  
"Yay!" Everyone cheered.  
"Cmon Ace!" said Spiral. "Let's go annoy the shit out of the other spartans to celebrate!"  
"Yeah!" yelled Ace. They ran out the door.  
"Wait for us!" yelled Vortex and Void as they ran after them.

_And so ends another average day in the life of Vortex._


	3. Chapter 3

**The Misadventures of the Elite Assault Squad Chapter 3**

_The following is a non-profit fan fiction. Halo is owned by 343 Industries._

_Character Nick-names (Updated)  
•Joe- Vortex  
•Chris- Crisis  
•Kenny- Blizzard  
•Nick- Disaster  
•Tyler- Twister  
•Junior- Spiral  
•Alexander- Void  
•Maria- Portal_

"C'mon, Maria! We're supposed to leave in twenty minutes!" yelled Vortex.  
"Don't rush me!" yelled his wife, Portal. "I'm almost done packing!"  
"Good. We don't want to be late!"  
"Late for what, dad?" asked a familiar voice from behind him.  
Vortex quickly turned around and saw two people. One was his son, Spiral. The other was the family's pet grunt, Ace. Ace didn't have on one of those gas mask things or a methane tank on his back like most other grunts did, which Vortex found weird. "Ace, why don't you have on your life support thingy? I thought your species breathed methane instead of oxygen."  
"We do," said Ace. "But I have my ways."  
"What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense!"  
"Dad!" yelled Spiral. "Answer my question already!"  
"Ok. Me and your mother are going to Florida on Earth for vacation."  
Fire shot out of Spiral's eyes. "YOU'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD WITHOUT ME!?"  
"W-WHAT!? N-no! Not at all! We're just going to the beaches there for our anniversary!"  
"THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY..."  
"Um, uh... Void! Help me!"  
Vortex's brother quickly rushed into the room. "Yes brother?"  
"B-back me up on this! You remember what I told you earlier right!? About me and Maria's anniversary!?"  
"Oh right! Junior, your mom and dad are going away to Earth for their anniversary, and I'm watching you two during the time they're gone."  
"Wait a minute," said Spiral. "When you first came to the squad you said you were only staying for a week. It's been a month now."  
"Well, the amount of time I'm supposed to be here has extended. By a couple years."  
Portal walked down the walked up to them with a suitcase in her hand. "C'mon, we don't have all day!" she said.  
"Yeah, just give me a minute," said Vortex. "Spiral, I want you to be on your best behavior while I'm gone."  
"I don't think I have a best behavior," said Junior.  
"Whatever. Just don't burn the house down again. That's the key word Junior. 'AGAIN'."  
Vortex went grabbed the suitcase he packed for vacation. "Goodbye!" both the parents said at the same time. Then they walked out the door and closed it behind them.  
As soon as the door shut, Spiral turned to Ace. "So... YOU WANNA PLAY VIDEO GAMES!?"  
"Bitching!"

_TEN MINUTES LATER_

Ace and Junior were playing Call Of Duty (don't own that) and it wasn't hard to tell that Spiral was kicking the grunt's ass. "Grrrr... FUCK THIS GAME!" yelled Ace, rage quitting.  
Spiral sighed. "Fine, we can play another game."  
"Ok! Um... How about Halo-"  
"No."  
"...Excuse me?"  
"We're not playing Halo."  
"What? Why?"  
"In case you haven't noticed yet, we're already in the Halo universe. Playing Halo while inside the Halo universe would be just like one big mind fuck."  
"What about... Halo Wars?"  
"...Meh, fuck it." The doorbell suddenly rang. "We have a door bell?"  
"Oh, that must be them!"  
"What? Who?"  
"Well, I kind of invited a couple friends over for a party."  
"Oh really?" Spiral got up and walked over to the door. "And who would your friends be?" When he opened it, he saw many different lifeforms. There were 145 grunts, 33 elites, 15 hunters, 55 jackals, a fucking prophet, 23 brutes, 19 drones, and the ghost of Arbiter. I shit you not. Arbiter's fucking ghost was there. "...No freaking way am I letting these stupid fuck faces into my home."  
Everyone was silent, until the prophet said "We have soda and candy."  
"...Seriously?"  
The prophet nodded.  
"...I say we let these sons of bitches in!"

_LATER THAT NIGHT_

The rest of the Elite Assault Squad was walking back to their houses after another successful mission. They all lived in the same neighborhood, may I remind you, and they already knew Vortex and his wife were on vacation. "So I was thinking," Twister began. "If we already have a grunt on our team, we should try recruiting some hunters."  
"NO!" everyone else yelled out in unison.  
"Fine, IT'S YOUR LOSS!"  
As they walked by Vortex's house, they saw lights and silhouettes everywhere, as if there was a party going on. "What in the name of bloody hell is happening?" asked Disaster.  
"No freaking way..." began Crisis.  
"What?" asked Blizzard.  
"HOW DARE VOID HAVE A PARTY WITHOUT US!?" He immediately ran up to the door. "Having a party without your best friends, we'll see about that!"  
When he opened the door, his jaw dropped. He saw several different members of the covenant partying their faces off with Void, Spiral, and Ace. Spiral was arm-wrestling with a hunter, and was winning. Void and Ace were playing beer pong with soda replacing alcohol against a prophet and a brute. He also saw several elites chugging cans of soda while half of it missed their mouths. Somehow, all of the elites were drunk off their asses. I guess caffeine was the alcohol of the elites. One belched, looked at Crisis, and yelled "WHATS UP, SHISNO!?"  
Crisis slammed the door shut, turned toward the rest of the squad, and said "Call my therapist. Tell him he's a rich man."

_THE NEXT MORNING_

Vortex and Portal pulled into the driveway of their house in a M12LRV, or warthog for short. As they got out, Maria sighed and said "I still can't believe you lost our plane tickets."  
"Hey at least we got to spend the night together," replied Vortex.  
"All we did was eat at Mcdonalds and slept at a shitty hotel."  
Vortex groaned as he walked up to the door. "You just had to remind me, didn't you? Oh well. We can't change the past. Hopefully the rest of the family will be happy to see us." He opened the door, and saw several members of the covenant passed out on the floor along with Void, Spiral, and Ace. There was soda and candy spilled everywhere and somehow there were skid marks on the ceiling. Vortex sighed. "How fucked up is my life that I can actually say this is normal? Because I think the level of fucked up is at it's maximum."  
Void woke up and looked at Vortex. "Oh hey big bro. How was Florida?"  
"I have to admit though, you guys knew how to end this chapter in style. I mean seriously, what the hell is next?"  
"Is there even gonna be more chapters?"

NOPE! SORRY!


End file.
